I might not mean this later
(498 views) -
(recorded 1/13/04 @ 12:15:36 AM)
but I mean it now.
I really wanted to spend a night with you before I left for England. Good whiskey and some conversation. I think I made that plain. You, apparently, don't care. As of right now, neither do I.
- - -
I've did some thinking, both over Christmas and over the last few days and I've come to a few conclusions.
You're taking advantage of me, and have been for months; essentially since September. Here's a clue: you don't want to lose me, you don't want to eradicate what's left of our relationship. What you fail to realize is that any bridges you had you burned to dust when you a. dumped me (it happens) and b. started seeing Danny. THAT does not happen. Decent human beings do NOT do what you're doing to me, to a man you claim to love or at least to have loved. Even taking that out of the equation, you do NOT do that to someone you live with.
At times you used to say that I was incapable of love - that's not me, sweetheart. You don't have a clue. Love is giving someone somewhere to stay because of how important school is to her and watching her barely make it to class. Love is trying to knock some sense into someone's head about the kind of men she's getting involved with. Love is trying, desperately trying to not care if someone comes home. Love is staying up all fucking night hoping you're going to walk through the door because I can't NOT do it.
I thought this was all Danny's fault. I wanted to believe you were being passive, being manipulated. Then it hit me - I've known you for close to four years. The responsibility here was all yours. Danny wasn't supposed to hold himself back, YOU were supposed to think about how slowly you were rending me in two, YOU were supposed to care and YOU were supposed to act like an adult. You were supposed to say "Gee, this might suck for him - I'll move out so he doesn't have to be a part of this." But no, it was just too easy for you to fuck me.
It struck me how culpable you are. How you, out of some sense of...of...decency, could have thought about what you were doing for half a second and realized that your decisions had ramifications.
I still despise him. But dear god do I feel like a fool for standing up for you.
You are, without a doubt, the most selfish person I've ever known. What's really killing me is that I can't remember if you were always like this.
- - -
It feels like you've come to take me and my graces for granted. You've been living with me for four months (let's be reasonable - that's three months too long) and noticing the body you shared this space with only when it was convenient. If I had stopped to do this thinking earlier your stuff would've been on the street, and you with it.
That attitude is going to change right now. As of right now you have zero slack. You blew it, Amy. You absolutely blew it. You didn't lose me, you completely obliterated me.
I've been saying I love you but I don't like you - that seems more true right now than ever, and that's...that's sad.
I think I finally understand my father's position - you are a fucking liability.
- - -
I'll be home at 8 tomorrow night, packing. Whether you're here or not is up to you. Personally, I'd like this settled before I leave.
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