this... is for you
by eltigre
(568 views) - 8/25/04
(recorded 8/24/04 @ 10:37:48 PM)
you know me.

you know im not really one to talk about my feelings. i usually try to run around that by saying i dont have any. and on some levels i think its true but... i dont know.

i love you. with every fiber of my being. with everything ive ever been and everything ill ever be. i love you. and i know you feel the same way. or at least i think i know. its kinda hard to tell with you sometimes. i lied when i said i didnt trust. i do but its just difficult for me to think that someone like "you" could love someone like "me."

blame it on low self esteem, blame it on past experiences. whatever. i certainly know that its something.

i can never express to you how sorry i am for everything ive put you through. and i partly want to say its your fault bcuz you could leave anytime. and you've tried. but for some reason you cant leave. and i dont know if its bcuz of you... or me. sometimes i just wish to god that you would break up with me bcuz i think its what you really want and you just cant say it!

but then thats just me and my insecurities.

i dont know what to do anymore.

thats a lie. i know exactly what i want to do. i want to stay here, live with you. be the happiest person in the world. finally be at the place we should be.

but its not possible.

and that i blame on me. on my luck. on my misfortune in life that has plagued me from day one.

i have to sit by and watch my best friend become the happiest person in the world while him and his boyfriend live together. his life was so perfect before and i think its unfair that he gets that too!! im the one who should be living out the fantasy life with me and mine. i think i deserve it. and i dont care how selfish that sounds.

i want to be with you and only you. i am two seconds away from canceling/changing my entire life just for you!! and i dont care about anything else except for the fact that i would get to be with you!

thats what i would call love. but maybe its just me.

i think this long distance thing will work. it'll work bcuz i'll make it work. i will do everything in my power to make sure that you are the person that i spend the rest of my life with.

and it would all be worth it.

just to see you smile at me. and love me. and appreciate me.

and acknowlegde me.

i want nothing more in the world than your approval. your reassurance that you care. and while sometimes you give it to me, i feel so "ugh" when you dont.

now im not asking for you to be a stepford wife or anything but i want you to know how much it bothers me. the little things. like not answering your phone. like ignoring me when we're together. like putting any other person place or thing in front of me.

i would hope that i would never do that to you. and if i do, tell me. that all i want. i want us to be more open about everything. our feelings mostly. i just never know whats going on with you. when i think that i, of all people, should. whenever anything happens to me in my life, good bad or indifferent, you are the one person i want to tell. i want to share everything with you.

but you make me feel stupid. you laugh at me bcuz i get excited over something that is "so 5 minutes ago." you try and try to make yourself so much more superior to me and i dont know why. i dont get it. why do you always belittle me with words that i dont understand just to make sure you're smarter than the next. to do that to other people is fine. but not to me.

you're supposed love me. not compete with me.

i didnt intend on this sounding so... as it sounds. i only wanted to tell you how i feel and this is the only way i could. for me its easier.

i love you. more than anything.

just know. that im here for you.

only you.
Previous entry: ugh. you know.
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   [enlite (J:: M) 8/26/04 1:18 PM]

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