Where to begin...
by A_Broken_Tragedy
(536 views) - 7/18/03
(recorded 7/17/03 @ 11:48:43 PM)
I dont really know what to say in here...i guess there's a lot of shit i'd like to let out but im trying to figure out where to start...I'm nervous of what comments people may make to what i say...but here goes...i find life an illusion...i suppose i make it this way...i used to always go by "ignorance is bliss" until recently when i came to realize that ignorance just isnt reality...novel revilation i know...but i guess i never really wanted to see that until just now...and the more you cut urself off from the real world, the faster you're going to go down...everyone judges me on what i look like on the outside...and i guess i look morbid...and i know many would say that i bring those judgments on myself by dressing the way i do or doing the things i do...but i hate that people judge on appearences...if anyone had the decency to come up to me even once and say hi they'd see that im not scary...i just dont like to look vulnerable...maybe thats because i really am vulnerable on the inside...why dont i let people in on my problems then?...im not too clear on this but i never let anyone in...right now the closest person to me is my bofriend matt who has been the only thing keeping me going lately...

Matt...he knows more about me than even my parents do...many would say im foolish to put so much of myself into just one person...and i guess i see their point...but because matt accepts me for who i am and genuinely loves me for the person i am, im hoping that maybe he'll be different from other guys ive known...u know, the ones who i confide in and cry on their shoulders and then they try to cop feels or feel you up when ur at ur weakest point and crying on them...yes this happened to me...dickhead of a guy...but matt has given me no reason to doubt his character at all and until he does and stops making me so happy, im not going to stop confiding in him and leaning on him for support...which i've needed a lot of lately since i just moved here to arizona about a month and a half ago or so...

Moving...ah yes that was fun...i spent 15 years of my life in one place...living in one house...going to one school district of schools...and making freinds and keeping them for many of those 15 years...and then there came that one day when i came home from school and my parents broke the news that we were mving...not just to another state on the east coast...oh no, arizona...from maryland to arizona in a little under 3 weeks...knowing no one and having no one in the whole fricken state...or COAST...give a damn about me...ofcourse when they told me this i had to be my usual emotionless self and retreat back into the comforts of my room....only then could i call my best friend...theresa...and let her know that i was moving and i was devistated...since being here life hasnt been all that bad...except for that minor fact that no one even WANTS to meet me...so i have few friends...and i have to spend the rest of my life...until im 18 and what not...in this god forsaken hot as hell place with no one caring if i died and rotted in the mountains that i can see every day from my window...ah yes...moving...that was fun...

i would say more but for now i guess ill save that for another entry...this wasnt as hard as i thougt it was going to be...once i got started it just sort of flowed...so um yeah...ill write more another time...

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Moving isn't a fun experience. Making new friends can be difficult, especially if you do appear "morbid", as you say. It's interesting that you're more than willing to admit and point out the probable reasons you have that others wouldn't want to interact with you- but that you maintain that hard shell of an exterior because you don't want people to see the vulnurable person you are on the inside.

If this is truly the image you want to portray, than you have every right in the world to do exactly that. But you can also take into consideration the fact that you're in a new place. You have the unique opportunity to rebuild the person you are from the ground up, if you're not happy with who that is. There are certain aspects about our personalities that shouldn't and won't change. There are certain characteristics to each and every one of us that make us the person we are, and those things won't change. And if that person is, in your mind, limited to appearing the way that you do, in order to protect yourself on the inside, then it may be a bit more difficult to make friends...

However, the more approachable you appear, or at least seem, the more approached you'll be. I know that this is practically asking you to compromise your appearance, and how you express yourself and your individuality, as well as pandering to the materialistic, appearance-oriented society that we all so dearly want to be a part of. (Of course, I don't mean that everyone wants to be accepted by everyone, but on a more basic level, that we all possess a basic need to feel loved and desired and as if we make a difference in the lives of others...)

No one should judge you solely on your appearance. In all honesty, people take far too much liberty judging others as they see fit when in reality, they have no God-given right to do that. This sucks, but it is a fact of life that you will be judged, in todays society, at least initially by your appearance.

If others are afraid or reluctant to approach you because of how you appear, then may I suggest that *you* take the first step? This isn't to say that you haven't tried to do just that before, but consider your approach. Try to find a common ground with the people around you- don't target individuals and try to become friends with them, necessarily, but try to project yourself as an easier-going, more sociable person. If you create the illusion of being a social pariah, than people will just follow your lead, and assume that you don't want anything to do with them. If this isn't the truth, and you *do* want to make friends, then focus on making yourself the type of person who's actually *easy* to talk to, and relate to. It's pretty difficult at first, and as I said, if you think that your appearance is already having a detrimental affect on your ability to be social, you have a tougher road ahead of you than you should.

It sounds like a lot of work, and it is. There will be disappointments, and times when you've tried, but it doesn't matter. Those people who choose not to reciprocate to your efforts do not deserve the privilege of being your friend by any means. Same goes for those who judge you simply based on your appearance.

In closing, it may very well take awhile, and *you* need to put forth as much effort as you can. Try breaking the mold you've already cast for yourself as a vulnurable, closed-in person- It is a very real possibility, and you can do it without sacrificing any of your individuality, or any of the person that makes you who you are.

Keep posting so we can see how you're adjusting to the move, and feel free to email or IM me if you wanna chat.


   [disillusioned (J:: M) 7/18/03 1:21 AM]

A hearty welcome to you A_Broken_Tragedy. You are not alone in your need for a place to shed your thoughts. Usually I attempt to do so in the form of poetry. But that doesn't always work the way I wish it would. Even though you don't know it, a lot of us here at OIO share a genuine uniqeness in that we all are here for different reasons. Yeah the basic idea is to post our thoughts and let go of our feelings to people that don't know us, but, by doing so; we all are becoming good friends by sharing our emotions with each other.

This is one reason why much of my life has evolved around the Internet. In a sense, it's all anonymous. Of course, a lot of us know, security wise, it's another story. But, really, it's a great place for us all to just "let go" with complete strangers.

I along with Disillusioned will surely read your posts daily. I personally, love to get to know people online. So if you do feel like talking, gimee a ring or a whisper :) -> workingmike@hotmail.com (for msn, or email).

Once again, welcome. And I hope your stay here will be very rewarding!
   [FrozNic (J) 7/18/03 2:13 AM]

Tall & Freaky
The Loner
That Scary Guy
The One You Have a Grudge Against

Isnt it great the nicknames that people come up with? People will judge you based on what you look like. If they just catch a glimpse they will. Its human nature. We are judged everytime we pass someone. You can learn alot about someone by the way they carry themselfs, their body posture, if they make eye contact. none of which have anything to do with the clothes or makeup they are wearing.

Having an unusual appearence is one way to weed out the ones who wont bother to get to know you... but what does it say about you if you wont approach them first. Why should they be judged harshly just becuase they didnt take the time to get to know you? Especially if you didnt take the time to know them.

trust the tall, freaky, scary, mean, death, one. the one who of his group of friends fits in the least appearence wise, but fits in none the less.
   [Sliced Ice (J) 7/19/03 1:56 AM]

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