no title yet...
by Ozymandias
(580 views) - 10/2/04
(recorded 10/2/04 @ 3:04:52 AM)
I think we were talking about existentialism, or maybe it was religion – I don’t really remember - but that doesn’t matter; the conversation was secondary. Although, she was one of the best female conversationalists I had ever met – not to be sexist or anything, but woman seem to…. dumb themselves down – maybe that is what made her so attractive, or maybe it was that she seemed to enjoy me as much as I enjoyed her. I think it was existentialism, but like I said, that isn’t the point. Her arm brushed up against mine; we were sitting rather close – maybe it was literature, I really don’t remember. I nodded at everything she said; it was nice to talk to someone; she was very intelligent; her voice made me smile. She said something, and we both laughed; I watched her cheeks push her eyes half-closed; she was really very attractive.

It was then that I started talking, although I probably wasn’t listening to myself; like I said, that isn’t what was important, not the conversation. She watched me intently; we were sitting rather close, like I said before. She liked to watch me talk, or at least, it seemed that way; she was really rather beautiful, but that isn’t the point either. Our hands touched; I could feel my face turning red; I hoped that it didn’t show; she smiled; we were both quiet. One of us said something to continue the conversation – which didn’t really matter, but was quite interesting nonetheless; the silence was too obvious; we shared a lot of these opinions, but that is secondary, part of the conversation – maybe it was music, or love, something more personal; I don’t remember - which isn’t the point, like I said before.

Someone entered the room – I don’t recall who, that doesn’t really matter – as I watched them enter I noticed the clock on the wall. She was still talking; her voice was very beautiful, but that isn’t the point; that isn’t what I am getting at. I looked down - something was bothering me, probably the time, although that isn’t important, and even if it was, I don’t remember - we were both swinging our legs; they touched; she finished her thought and waited for my response; I was still looking down; she was really rather beautiful. I said that I had to leave – I remember that; I don’t remember why; maybe it was the time, probably the time, but that doesn’t matter; that isn’t the point. I stood up and she grabbed my hand – her skin was really rather soft. I looked up at her eyes, they were really very beautiful eyes, but that is not the point; I had to leave; I can’t remember why; she had said something – I don’t remember the last thing she said – she looked at me; with her beautiful eyes she looked at me, and held my hand.

I walked away – I can’t remember why, but I had to leave, maybe it is what she said, or the time; it was probably the time; I don’t remember, but that doesn’t matter - I think I said something to her as left; I think she smiled, but I don’t remember; that isn’t the point. I think we were talking about existentialism, but maybe it was something else; I don’t remember, as I said before, and it doesn’t matter either way - maybe it was something else, something more personal; I hope it was something else; that isn’t the point though; the conversation was secondary. I walked away, and I think she smiled; I hope she smiled, but that isn’t the point. I don’t remember the last thing she said, but I remember her eyes, and I remember leaving; she really was rather beautiful, but that isn’t the point; none of this matters; I left, and I remember her eyes; she really did have beautiful eyes.
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So, considering I don't know who you are or anything about you (I'm too lazy to read your bio), I'm not sure I'm up for figuring out the metaphor. Maybe it will jump on me sometime tonight. We'll see.

As for your writing: I must say that I enjoy very much the short phrases. They make for easy reading and to a certain extent resemble thoughts. I don't mind your made-up punctuation, but I would feel better if it seemed like you had established some kind of rules for it all. I don't see much of a difference between dashes (which should be em dashes not en dashes) and semicolons.

Here's the deal. I like what you have to say, but it could be a tiny bit shorter. Overall, I like the style. I like that you leave "the point" to the end. Good call. Definitely take the time to revise. This could be one of those things you look back on and say, "Wow, that really influenced the way I wrote. I'm glad I spent the extra half-hour on it." Go for Ozy.

::at your service::

::at your service::
   [bondservant (J) 10/3/04 1:07 PM]

Don't read my bio; it is trite and boring. Thank you for your comment though; that is probably the best criticism I have heard for this so far. Yeah I know that the puncutaion needs some work, this is a first draft, and I was debating on whether it is worth actually fixing up. There was a system I was going for though, the semicolons are supposed to seperate thoughts that could become seperate sentances, but relate to each other in that thought process sort of way, in a cognitive flow, if you will, and then the semicolons are when the thoughts interupt each other. Reading through this a second time though I noticed that I didn't really follow this very well. It was supposed to be a stream of conciousness piece though, and I am glad that that mood came across well enough for you to pick up on it. Maybe I will go back and fix it up. Thanks for your notes.

   [Ozymandias (J) 10/8/04 9:39 PM]

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