Parading in a Wake of Sad Relations
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(recorded 12/6/04 @ 10:10:13 AM)
Some people can make it through life without bribing themselves. Some people can find the inner drive every single morning to get up and get dressed and go about their day just because they know it's something that must be done. I am not one of these people.
Every morning when my alarm goes off, I reach up with my right hand and grasp the whole clock (it's very small) and push the snooze button with my thumb. Every morning after I shut it off, I tell myself that today, it's just not worth getting up to go to English. The next time the snooze goes off, I tell myself that if I don't go to English today, the instructor will drop me as threatened. At this point, I realize that I must go to class. But, I still have not found a good enough reason to timidly expose warm flesh to the air outside my comforter. Quickly, my brain scans through the list of reasons to get out of bed.
"You'll get to see your friends today." This one used to work, even through high school, but now I live with one of my best friends and my going to class doesn't necessarily mean I'll get to see my other best friends today, so that one's shot.
"It's raining!" Who am I kidding? This one is even more cause to stay in bed and listen to the gentle drips that fall onto the windowsill.
"You can go see Zeke today." Sure, I can go visit him, but I can't ride because of all the blasted rain.
"Maybe you'll hear from the people at Big Brothers/Big Sisters here in Tucson." Hopefully I will, but getting my ass out of bed at 8am is not going to cause them to call me any faster.
"GET OUT OF BED OR YOU'LL BE LATE OR GET DROPPED!" We have a winner! This gets me up and going most days. The threat of doing badly in yet another class, the impending disappointment that my parents will guilt me with for years.
Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Three days a week I do this to myself, and three days a week I'm glad I wake up and head out into the cold dreary world. This morning especially. I walked outside and the rain was falling in a light drizzle, just enough to put the hood on my sweatshirt up but not enough to ask to borrow my roommate's umbrella.
A ten minute walk three times a week at eight in the morning really allows me to enjoy the simple things more.
The tall kid full of boyish charm who opens the door for me while he's humming opera.
The way the puddles on the street reflect even the smallest detail in the trees above, still as glass until I jump in it.
The way I can see my breath.
Putting my hands in my pockets and feeling cozy and protected against the crisp air that threatens to invade the warmth of my body.
The way hot chocolate makes it all better.
Knowing that when I get home I can write an OIO entry.
Today I'll keep moving, keep motivated, go to my classes, do what I'm supposed to ... if for no more complex of a reason than the way this cold weather makes my cheeks red in the morning.
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