I have no idea what it's like.
by bondservant
(642 views) - 2/21/05
(recorded 2/21/05 @ 4:07:57 AM)
I'm amazed sometimes. Sickened too. I guess it is because when I see it I am reminded that I am more guity than most. But that doesn't make it okay. I can forgive others for it--I can even forgive myself for it--but I feel like some of us need to tumble down the stairs to give us a bit of perspective....

I am so self absorbed. I don't mean to do it. It just happens. My life is the closest thing to me, the thing that is constantly before my eyes, and it is so easy for me to think that it is of great importance. Over and over I catch myself thinking that the things in my life are big ordeals. When my friends get upset with me, when people lose their respect for me, when someone says something really cutting to me, when I am blinded by my own catastrophes and dramas--these are times that feel like implosions of greatest magnitude. I cry for myself. I let my head hang, walking around like a beaten dog, unwilling to find consolation because I like the feeling of licking my own wounds.

But here is the truth: I have no idea what it's like. I've never been touched by terror or tragedy, much less leveled by it. I've had nothing worse than people getting angry with me and losing their respect for me. Sure that is sad, but it isn't even worthy of the being called "pitiable." I know people who have been hit hard, who have been leveled hard. But despite their bruises, shattered limbs, and broken pride they have stood back up. Maybe they aren't faring so well, but they are standing. That's more than I can say for myself--I fall on my face in fear because something scratched my arm.

And in the end, all those scratches mean nothing. No, even now those scratches mean nothing. But I make the world of them. I let such insignificant things control and topple my world. Maybe it's because I feel inadequate and sorrow gives me some sort of high. Maybe it's because I want to feel more alive. But it is ridiculous. I should be smiling and thankful that I have what I have. I know people who have had everything taken away. I know people who never had anything to begin with.

I strut around making my scratches into nightmares, but the truth is:

I have no idea what it's like.
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"Ne t'en fais pas. Tout sera mieux demain."

::at your service::
   [bondservant (J) 2/21/05 4:38 AM]

I've been thinking about this entry and I realized that this is almost a ridiculous thing to think about. Of course our lives are going to seem hugely important to us--our emotions are tied very intimately to our experiences and circumstances. If things go badly, then we are bound be upset by them.

I guess this is the real issue--it is not to make our lives insignificant in our eyes--it is to value others and their lives, showing them love. That is how to 'cure' the selfishness and self-absorbtion I see in myself. I don't need to devalue myself, I need to increase the value of others in my eyes.

Easier said than done, I imagine.

::at your service::
   [bondservant (J) 2/21/05 10:08 AM]

I can't get this idea out of my head (but that is probably a good thing) so I want to pass it on to you. It is fun to think about and so much deeper than my first glance revealed:

In a lecture on having purpose in prayer, it was said that perhaps the two greatest commandments (to love God and love your neighbor) should not only be the framework of our lives but the framework of our prayers. To pray meaningfully and consequently live meaningfully we should pray most earnestly and perhaps solely to feel Gods love and share that love with mankind.

It doesn't exactly relate to what you are saying, but I just thought I'd share.

   [dubitably (J) 2/25/05 10:00 PM]

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