The Hate Yourself Change and A Sense of Where You Are
by Savvy
(398 views) - 6/7/05
(recorded 6/7/05 @ 5:02:09 PM)
"I think you are more aware of your own faults than anyone I have ever met, though, you are probably more reluctant to change than anyone I have met. That being said, I have seen a vast change in you over the past four years." - A close friend.

"The Hate Yourself Change." - Neva Dinova

The hate yourself change for me is an event that culminates when I despise the way I have been living to such an extent that changing my mode of functioning becomes imminent and of great necessity. The fear of fucking up my life comes on very strong at these times.

Whether it be a confrontation with the law or the realization that my spending habits are not in good relation to my financial situation there is usually a warning light before things get really bad. I have also been overwhelmed by this intuitional response in times of failing to take care of myself resulting in poor health, extended periods of low mental capability, and self-destructive behavior brought on by deficient use of emotional intelligence.

There is certainly both a natural desire and nurtured motivation to head these situations off before they crown me as king of the pathetic in a shock to the system near miss. Few have been so lucky as I to receive the eye-opening experiences before it is too late to prevent harm to those close to me, not to mention any innocent bystanders. It is this realization that kicks the adrenaline into gear and I become compelled to grow the fuck up double time.

My laziness is pervasive. In order to salvage some ego, I convince myself that this is an exaggerated perception of my impeccable patience and/or my ability to live closer to God's time. My intuition does not ask much of me. I suppose it would be somewhat paradoxical if it did. Good things do not happen to me on my own time. I do not pretend that this doesn't unsettle me. I just use it as an excuse to move at a slower pace. This pace allows for my reluctance to change, which has existed in me for years much to the the consternation of my parents.

"A Sense of Where You Are." - John McPhee

As I have mentioned, I consider myself lucky whether this luck is innate or adventitious or more likely some combination of the two. This allows for a second style or type of change that I have come to experience. Transition that springs from good fortune is obviously much easier to deal with than that which is resultant from self-disgust. Not to say that there isn't a certain amount of second-guessing and potentially poor follow through, but this is change that is manifested by and produces sheer confidence and positive tendencies in reaction to my environment.

Like a defender in a football game, who makes an interception by being in the right place at the right time. Often, this requires something similar to the aforementioned patience to allow the play to develop and to anticipate what is coming next. A color commentator could give credit to luck or to the understanding and awareness of the defender, though it is likely that some combination of the two items were involved in the change of direction. Obviously, despite the fact that luck has a vivid presence in my life, my behavior and decision-making must rely on more than fortune alone. Reluctant as I may be I am an agent of change.
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