It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
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(recorded 8/24/05 @ 2:18:31 PM)
It was one of those nights that make you pause your conversation when you step outside the house. You look up and around and take a deep breath as you close your eyes and remark about the weather.
There's a light breeze, just enough to lift the unfettered ends of clothing, to swirl stray hairs about my face. Enough of a breeze so I can hear the leaves rustle whisperingly, if I listen carefully.
The grass was cool and prickly as we lay down on the hillside and gazed into the heavens... watched the crisp, full clouds drift across the evening sky as the stars shone. The moon was bright and almost full, its edges crisp and clean.
Conversation cautiously crept away from the safe and tame topics and slunk into more serious tones. She turned onto her side to face me as she picked at the green blades of grass beneath her. I lay on my back with my forearms folded beneath my head, staring into the sky so she couldn't watch the tears form.
Eventually my eyelids were brimming and it was too hard to hold in. I tried to tell myself that I had to be strong for her, I had to stay strong so she wouldn't see me cry. I couldn't do it.
"We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."
"I'm fine to talk about it as long as you realize that you're going to have to deal with me crying as a consequence. It's not you, I just can't control it tonight."
"Then let's talk about it." I looked back up into the infinite darkness and breathed deeply. My breath left my body shuddering until the oxygen was all gone and I had to inhale again. I could feel her watching me. I glanced over at her and watched a tear blaze a trail down her cheek and drip off her chin.
"Can I have a hug?" I jerked my head in her direction sharply; she never was the one to ask for hugs.
"Of course you can." I sat up and scooted closer to her and she quickly wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my neck and shoulder. I held her tightly and squeezed my eyes shut as I nestled my face in the curve of her neck.
I felt her start to tremble and I whispered softly to her that it was okay. She started to sob. I felt a heat behind my eyes as I too started to cry. Hot tears streaked my face as we sat in the grass that night, holding each other on top of the world.
In that moment, everything was beautiful. Everything was perfect and right with the world. My soul welled up inside me, and filled me with love, sorrow, pain, despair... but a little bit of hope floated through. I was overcome with an intense sadness and feeling of loss but then I realized that the person I missed most in the world was right there, in my arms. While she was there I could keep her safe, I could hold her close to me while we both cried.
It was so hard because she was still there. Because she still loved me. Because I still loved her. Because I had regrets. Because I resented her for not being able to handle our love like I thought she should have been able to. Because I still want her in my life.
It's so hard because it's not a goodbye.
But that night... none of it mattered. Absolutely nothing else mattered in that span of a few minutes when she held me to her as tightly as she could.
In those few moments... everything was okay again.
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