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(recorded 9/3/05 @ 12:32:35 AM)
So, I'm not doing as well as hoped.
I've been told tonight that I'm an old soul and that I have a distinct flair for the drama. Yes and yes, on both accounts. I really do hate to admit the drama part but it seems to follow me like all the people I owe money to.
I'm also two different people.
Just so you know, I'm done. I'm done letting people hurt me and manipulate me. Truly, the only way someone is going to be able to manipulate me is if I allow them to do it and I have a lovely track record of letting the people I love the most do it. I'm done being hurt.
I only hurt myself worse.
Maybe that's the mentality. If I hurt myself worse than you hurt me, everything will be okay because I still am in a modicum of control.
Is that fucked up? Uh huh. You bet your ass it is, but that's irrelevant because I do it and I'm not quite sure how to stop.
I'm happiest when I'm with someone who complements me perfectly, a cohort in crime, a sidekick, if you will, but it seems that the people who fill those roles end up being the ones who hurt me the most.
Maybe it really is time to pick up and move again.
I don't know.
**Disclaimer** I realize that this will probably all blow over soon enough and I'll feel better in the morning. Just needed to rant.
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