I'm going back to the start
by Wildfire
(611 views) - 9/20/05
(recorded 9/20/05 @ 2:15:46 PM)
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming up tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said that it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

If only anything was ever as easy as going back to the start. Clean slate, start over, it just can't happen. There is no such thing as a clean slate. Everyone has their baggage. Everyone has been in pain, there isn't anyway to just wipe it all away and try again.

Someone told me last night that everyone is just as messed up as everyone else.

I have to admit, that scared me a little bit while making me feel a tiny bit better as well. She looked me in the eye and what I saw there was something... I hadn't really ever seen there before. It was just pure, she wasn't trying to hide it from me. She showed me, in that moment, how much faith she had in me. She trusted me enough to let me see the pain and damage that existed in her past. That the strong, solid person I watched sitting in front of me wasn't the person she's always been. I saw it, my friend, I saw it.

I felt ... relieved. I was relieved to know that I'm never alone in my fucked-up-ness.

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I'm dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

I feel like this little piece of a song is... it's me, lately. It's what I have been for awhile. Dead on the surface just rings a little too real and screaming underneath is the absolute truth. I'm crying out on the inside for.... I'm actually not sure for what. For help, for love, for someone to care... anything.

When you know one of your friends is a self-mutilator, you can always stand by her side and take away her pocketknife to try and help her stop.
What do you do for someone who's destroying themselves mentally and emotionally from the inside out?

Most people won't even know what's happened to me until the worst of it is over. When everything begins to show on the outside, you know the inside is truly in trouble.

I've never felt so alone.
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