Life is too damn short.
(600 views) -
(recorded 9/21/05 @ 1:39:39 PM)
Alright, so i'll try again.
I'm in between classes right now. Not very thrilling at all. College is not what i was expecting to say the least. Yes, I'm aware that i'm only at a community college, but it was supposed to be great. A fresh start, with new experiances and friends. Turns out, it's just like hi school all over again. What a downer. ehh... oh well. I'm really enjoying my classes which is amazing if you knew the fact that i've always been an anti-school kind of kid.
My best friend Lindi was gone all summer and when she got back, she made the huge decision to go to UofA for school. I have lived a mile away from her since i was in 4th grade, when we first became friends. So it was sorta sad at first, but we are surviving, so it seems to all be working out. I'm doing well without her and she really needed to start growing up. Going away to college gave her that opportunity. She did her laundry for the first time a few weeks ago. Someone who doesn't know her, would never understand how huge that is.
I've been with out a boyfriend for a while now. I dated a little over the summer. But i've noticed a pattern within myself. I'm not willing to let myself fall. Not completely, and that tends to mess things up, everytime.
My good friends cancer came back and thats been a struggle. My friend who was my best friend in jr hi, well her dad is dying. He pretty much has cancer everywhere and the doctors say it would take a complete miracle to save him. Thats also been hard.
Wow, i really am a downer. and the sadest part about that is that i don't have anything exciting to talk about to even it out.
But there has been one thing thats been on my mind a lot lately. Its God. Ok... where to start... I'll state some important points first:
-I've been an involved Christian my whole life.
-I've been anti-mormon till about 6 months ago.
-I believe in God 100%, no doubts.
-I have no idea what faith is the right faith.
As of right now I'm struggling to figure out if my non-denominational Christian faith, is the right one. See, I've lived in Gilbert my whole life, which means i've been surrounded by mormons since i can remember. The church i grew up in taught that it was wrong. I pretty much agreed and when i was younger i always got in huge debates with my friends who attended the LDS church. As i got a little bit older i just decided it was best to avoid that topic completely. But oddly enough, it seemed to always be on my mind.
Lindi and i hung out ALL the time in jr. high. We were attatched at the hip, i could not live with out her. But i was warned, by many older friends, that when you hit high school, all of the LDS kids congregate together. Unfortunately enough, i found that to be true. Lindi and i were drifting significantly. ok, so i have to partially take credit for the cause of that. I had a retard boyfriend and at the time, he was more important than her. (lame, i know). I resented the mormon attenders and the faith for that reason alone. But, second semester of my sr. year, things changed. I saw how the LDS kids were always there for each other and they helped keep one another accountable. I loved how the church was one big unit. Thats when i started questioning.
Last week i took missionary discussions. I went down to Tuscon to visit Lin and spent most of the time discussing religion with her friends.
As of right now, I'm just asking God to show me what is right. I know he exists and i beleive that Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins, but i want to make sure that i'm following Him correctly. I want to be with him when i die. *my brother says its okay that im questioning my faith. But i can't help but think that i'm letting God down by not knowing in my heart what is right.
Its hard b/c this IS the biggest decision of my life. This is why i'm down here.
I've been researching alot and its helped me to understand my faith much better. There are many many things within the LDS church that i don't agree with, but i just don't know.
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