There's nothing left to do but shrug, sadly.
by Wildfire
(618 views) - 9/29/05
(recorded 9/29/05 @ 1:06:46 AM)
You'll never understand, and I've accepted it. It's okay, I reckon.

I guess I thought you had figured out that the harder you push me one way the harder I push back. I'm not kidding, that part of me is so easy to figure out. Why would yelling and cursing at me over the phone and in a lengthy email change my mind suddenly?

We both know that I'm not moving back there. Regardless of rhyme or reason. It's no longer for me. I'm not avoiding the town, I'm not avoiding you, I'm not avoiding my family. I've been working to embrace things, not shut them out. But please just realize that I'm not coming back.

It would be admitting defeat. I don't care what flaws you find with that reasoning, I really don't. I'm not okay with failing. I am, however, okay with things not working out and I am okay with altering my path.

Things change. Lives change. Dreams change. People change. Gilbert is not a change, I've done that already.

Maybe I'm not meant to be in Tucson forever, in fact I kind of hope I'm supposed to be somewhere else, more exotic and exciting but who knows. I'm not ready for my time here to be up yet. I know you say that I'm never going to be fully ready for the hard things to happen and you're right, but there is such a thing as being "more ready for change" versus "violently opposing the change".

One more thing, dear heart?

Don't you EVER tell me what I will/will not/can/cannot do. Ever. Got it?

I will succeed at whatever I put my mind to and no one will convince me otherwise.

And up here I am who I am, and if you don't like it then fuck you, man. I'm not a thief and a whore so please don't follow me around while I'm shopping in your store.
And up here I'm making you aware and if you don't like it well I don't care. I'll be exactly who I am and if you've got a problem with it well that's your problem, man.
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I don't know if you've noticed yet, but from the things I've seen, you already have failed. And you're too stubborn to admit it.

Sit up high on your dead horse and take a big hearty breath of decaying stench. It's what you want, right? It's your choice - stay alone in Tucson and make a career out of Derby and tell the people who care about you to mind their own fucking business. Or you could do something about it.

I don't care - watching people fuck themselves over is kinda funny. But is this the life you really want? It can't be. I at least know you better than that.

   [enlite (J:: M) 10/2/05 10:31 AM]

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