God loves me and I kick ASS!
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(recorded 1/5/06 @ 7:59:35 PM)
Growing up, my church had nothing. While i was in jr. high, the newest and first official Youth Pastor was elected, his name was Chad. The things that he did to change our church around were amazing and the heart that he had for God was almost intimidating. He brought our youth together and did something significant with it. While he was doing that......... i remember meeting him the day he came to visit us from Colorado to check out the church and the people and i instantly felt this connection with him. i knew he was going to be the one to change things around for our youth and i knew that he'd be someone important in my life. I was only in 7th or 8th grade when he got hired... but it didn't matter that i was so much younger than all the other kids, we had this connection and to be honest, i was pretty much confident that i was a favorite. :)
From the beginning, Chad always understood me. I could merely walk into his presence, he would spot me and know something was up and he was excellent at pointing it out without even talking to me. He just always knew. For me Chad was such a huge role model, which is the normal role of a pastor, but Chad knew how life was, he knew all the pain it caused and had experienced so much. I was young, i'll admit, but i would have listened to him above anyone else. I respected him with everything i had and i trusted him b/c he was my big brother... takin care of me even more than my family did. No one has ever known, understood or even cared for me as much as he has and thats still with a few hundred other youth to be there for as well.
9 months after Chad started doing a kick ass job working with us, EVERYTHING got ripped out from underneath him; we were betrayed.
It started off as a just a 30 day leave...'oh he'll be back, he just needs a little bit of time, this is no big deal.' Then the Sunday he was scheduled to come back... he was a no show. The sermon that we heard that day was not as inspiring as we imagined it would be, it was Scott Palich (sr. pastor) reading Chads letter of resignation. 'WHAT THE HELL? we didn't even get to say goodbye?!?!'
The friend that kept me sane and alive was now leaving us? without so much as an explenation. But i was his favorite, how could he have done this to me?
I believe we emailed once after he left and i remember i was expecting so much out of him and the letter he wrote me that when it came down to finally reading it, i was unbelievably dissapointed.
If i'm correct, all of that nonesense happened right as i was moving up to high school. he left me at such a significant stage in my life. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS??? I asked that question countless times for over 4 years with out any explanation from anyone, especially not him.
I was mad at my dad and the elders first b/c even though they didn't have the decency to let the kids know what was going on, i was still aware that they, including my father were the reason Chad was gone. why would my daddy want to take away the one amazing thing in my life, especially since it was all for God?
But naturally i got a little bit brainwashed by my parents and my anger eventually turned towards Chad. It was now his fault for making me hurt. Why would he ever want to leave us? he obviously wanted to b/c he resigned, he didn't get fired. After time, I couldn't comprehend any of it so i finally just tried to let it go.
I still thought about Chad... but i was so bitter and since his resignation... our church home fell apart, we left the church and have yet to find a new church that we can call our own. I was burned so badly that i didn't want to have anything to do with 'church' ever again and thats how i lived, without Chad and basically without God for 4 years.
he had a younger sister, Lexie who was a senior when i was a freshman and she definitely took me under her wing. She was so strong and remained at GCC (our church) and endured a ridiculous amount criticizm. Which i think in turn, also turned her away from the idea of 'church'.
Lexie became my confidant and she was there for me in a similar way that Chad was, then yet again, something good was ripped out of my life. My parents wouldn't allow me to continue in the small group i was in with Kelly Paul, Jessica Jackson, Lexie and a few other girls. So b/c of my parents, i had NOTHING.
I have been fed up ever since that and i have yet to get involved in another church.
Lexie and i lost contact up until a few months ago, where we became friends on myspace. I would occasionally wonder about Chad, but last i heard was that he was in colorado. i honeslty never thought i would see him again and i knew he'd never be apart of my life.
and he wasn't until a week ago. I found him on Lexies myspace, invited him to be my friend and he accepted. we messaged once or twice, but the conversation was mainly boring chit chat. I was dissapointed b/c i think i had always imagined that he loved me as much as i loved him and he would have some huge, understandable explanation for me, if we were ever to talk again. But things were actually much less glamarous. i finally was starting to just realize that this is how things ended and we had nothing to rekindle, then we started messaging more often and we talked over instant messaging.
we were able to catch up and talk about our lives, we briefly discussed GCC where he apologized and i cried....and i started getting closure... which was all i ever really wanted.
Last night we im'ed for over 2 hours and we had become comfortable with each other. We were able to talk about more intimate things and he talked to me just like he did 4 years ago... like he was my big brother again and that right there was enough for me.
Today Chad and i got together for lunch at Flancers and we sat there talking for 2 hours and 40 minutes. Today was my first time seeing him since i was in 8th grade. Alot has happened with both of us and we shared so much. It was so amazing b/c last night he said something that touched me so much. He said that: c j (1/5/2006 1:54:54 AM): ill be your big brother and i wont leave ya behind again. now that your 18 i can do that.
He isn't just stoppin in to say hi and leave again, Chad wants to be apart of my life and the feeling i get from realizing that is phenominal.
I don't know why everything at GCC happened and i don't know why God took Chad out of my life for so long, but he has a plan, right? and maybe this is what had to happen for us to be at the right point in our lives to meet together again.
(continue... my parents and now that i'm 18 i can finally do my own thing, perfect timing)
I am so thankful that Chad is back in my life and i am going to take advantage of that. He said he's going to help me get back on track and thats something i really want to do. I need him and although he may not need me, he can and already has learned things from me. I will NEVER let him leave me behind again.
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