a letter I'll never send
(621 views) -
(recorded 3/10/06 @ 2:35:48 PM)
Why is this so fucking hard for you?! Why are you always the victim when it comes to you and me?
Yes Mom, I'm a lesbian. It is NOT the goddamned end of the world, you did not lose a daughter, I am NOT a different person! As much as you like to think all these things are true, it is not as big a deal as you make it out to be!
Why does "the family" have a hard time with this? I am still alive. I am not trying to disown my family, I am not pregnant at the age of 15, I'm not an alcoholic or a drug user. I'm back in school, I have a job, I'm supporting myself and I'm in love.
WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?!!
Why does everyone feel the need to put on a mask and a fake smile and be nice when inside they are pissed off? Why does everyone have to be pissed off?
Because the person I love isn't a man? Because you "can't ever have a big wedding"? Because I can't naturally conceive a child that is mine and my partner's?
I still don't get it.
Why are you so hurt, Mom? What did I do to you to hurt you? I'm sorry that you're struggling with this "choice" of mine, but it's not going away and it's not going to change and I wish you would just stop for a second and breathe.
Just stop and think.
I am still the same daughter that you raised and were proud of.
I'm a self-sufficient, self-supporting adult who is trying to overcome the hugely insurmountable odds of convincing her family that she's still a decent enough person to love.
I'm not hurting you. You are hurting me.
You are attacking me for things that I can't change.
How would it feel if I refused to speak to or look at Dad anymore based only on the grounds that he has a penis and loves you? Would that make you feel all warm, fuzzy, and appreciated inside?
You know, Teri's trying too. She's trying to win over my family for me because it's getting to the point where I'm ready to give up.
You guys are doing this to your own fucking selves, I am trying to fix things and be patient and let you attack my girlfriend because maybe it'll help. Newsflash: NO MORE. It's not going to happen anymore, it's not fair to her and it's not fair to me.
I'm the only one offering to come up to Phoenix and meet you for lunch and you won't do it because I'm going to have Teri with me. Until two weeks ago, I hadn't seen you since Christmas.
Any email I ever send you is just wasted keystrokes. It's all for nothing.
At least... that's the way it feels.
This is not my responsibility to fix. I cannot compromise everything just so you're happy. I need to be happy too. The phrase "meet in the middle" didn't stem from one person sacrificing everything and the other person not even trying. It's called the middle for a REASON.
the family outcast
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