Stay out of trouble, stay in touch...
by disillusioned
(667 views) - 9/20/07
(recorded 9/20/07 @ 1:14:01 AM)
It's strange... What once was a portal dialed in to all of my closest friends, something they were guaranteed to read and follow and ask about, has simply slipped into the ether. It's almost as if I don't even have to bother clicking that private box, because honestly, who the hell's reading anymore?

I surprised myself yesterday. I watched an episode of Extras. It guest-starred Kate Winslet, and I remembered how very much I loved her character in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And how much I *adored* that movie. I watched it several times in rapid succession, over one period three years ago. And then never again.

It was linked too tightly. And then I listened to the soundtrack, and found some older journal entries... not all mine. And then I wrote a message. And I sent it.

No response of course, but then, I wasn't expecting one. I was expecting it to fade into the ether, rather like this site. I don't know why I *wanted* a response, but I did. No matter, that.

I'd like to think I've grown a great deal in the last three years. But last night, I laid in bed, briefly terrified that I don't know if I've known something like that in the three years since. Everything is different, all relationship's a fucking snowflake, or something... But when I let some of the brighter, more poignant memories touch consciousness for a few—memories I hadn't allowed to surface for a long time—I was just taken aback. And confused.

Have I really not found something with that intensity since? Maybe briefly, nearly immediately afterwards... I don't know anymore.

And it's not to say that I won't. I'm not so naive or depressed or anything silly like that.

I'm just... surprised. Some things will slip and fall and fade, and that's just for the best. But who would have thought certain others would remain, and be so readily recalled if I gave them just a moment.

And I did.

I'm not even sorry, really. It reminded me of some of the things that can brighten me up, inside-out. That amazingly powerful butterflysy feeling that leaves you hyper and breathless and feeling exactly like a teenager in love should feel. Do all the highs so high have crashes so low? I hope not; they were some of my favorite times, even after all this time.

Three years is a lot of time. But it's a strange three years. And years are relative, in terms of growth and progress. You can hit a few where you idle and stall out. And you can have half of a single where everything changes.

I'd like to think I'm about due for one of those, but as I've learned, life is full of little disappointments, so perhaps that's appropriate.

Let's see what happens in another three years... Or fuck, three months.

So funny that I considered launching an LJ, but didn't because I wanted just the slightest chance someone I care about might read this... Instead, I'll just write here, safe with the knowledge no one will.
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