I was a hopeful fool again
by enlite
(Matters of the Heart, 1295 views) - 12/6/04
(recorded 12/6/04 @ 1:09:52 AM)
I'm alone in my room; the rain is pounding on the window, the smell of it makes me content. I'm listening to shitty sad music that drowns out common sense and heightens irrational emotion.

I'm reading the words that someone wrote when they cared about me. And inside, I want to see them be true again.

walking. smoking. sobbing. probably the weirdest combination of things to ever have gone on that i can remember. i just kept thinking about everything i did and how i fucked up the best thing that has ever happened to me. i don’t think i ever really understood the magnitude of my actions until last night.

he hates me. he literally hates me.

and it’s all my fault. not bcuz of his own accord or his own issues. bcuz of me.

i can’t sleep now. after getting back, freezing and kinda nauseous from all the smokes, i couldn’t fall asleep.

he hates me.

and for the first time in my life, i can’t fix the situation. i have to be a spectator.

my worst nightmare.


Is it so bad? Was it? I feel that in this moment, I could take you in my arms and cry and things would be the same, like we wanted them to be. If I could hold this second, stretch it to a thousand years, I wouldn't regret it.

But the music stopped. And I think back to all the good advice I've given my friends, and I wonder why I think I'm too smart to listen to myself.

If I say it out loud does it mean the same thing?

i know it was real. it had to be. there would be no other reason for all the sacrifices we made for each other. it wasn’t a dependency thing. not in the slightest. he made me happy, but no, i didn’t rely on him solely for that. i just preferred the happiness i felt when i was wrapped in him arms. or when he would come see me and it was exciting. it was always exciting. every visit, every text, every phone call.

always.

and i still feel it. my heart still flutters every time i see a not-so-new, gray saturn ion. and every time i get a text message that i wasn’t expecting. and every time someone knocks on my door. or taps me on the shoulder. every time.


My body will ache again. I won't sleep at night. I'll worry and I'll be afraid that everything I waste my life for is falling apart because my everything is you. It's hot again, and I can't breath and I choke back tears because I miss you but I don't want you anymore. I don't want this.

I don't want this as my life.

Can't you give me everything without taking it away?

Tony,

I believe that there is one person for everyone. The one person that will always put up with your shit, call you on others, and still love you just the same. One person that no matter what, NO MATTER WHAT, will always be there for you.

and its you. it's always been you. and it always will be.

but i fucked it up. i royally fucked it up. i don’t expect you to ever forgive me. or to ever love me again. but i know in my being, that i will always love you. *cue the whitney houston music*

our lives are way to different right now to be together. and I’m ok with that. for now. i have this strange feeling that in a couple years, i will walk past you on the streets of California, or stand behind you in the line at Starbucks, and from there, our lives will continue.

but i don’t want to wait.

we shouldn’t have to.

but we do. and i can deal with that.

i love you with everything i have, everything i have had, and everything i will have.

and i don’t know how else to get you to know that.

-Sean


Dear Sean:

In a mist of nostalgia I would hold you again. I would give up everything to feel you. I know the way your chest feels against mine when we hugged. I remember the way your arms crossed behind me. I won't forget that, and right now I'd do anything for it again.

But it's a dream. And when I wake, I realize that I'm stupid. Look at our relationship, and not just the good things. Look at every up and down we've had since the beginning. It's been an endless cycle of happiness and frustration and ecstasy and hatred and bliss and depression... and ignorance. We chose to ignore a lot of our problems, but that doesn't make them go away, and I can't pretend forever.

We weren't that happy.

And these last few months... I just want to stop. Life is unpredictable and the last thing I want is a risk that involves my heart. I guess it would be possible, but it's not worth the ride.

I don't believe in destiny. I don't believe that there is only one person for each of us. I don't believe in anything really. At least nothing that has to do with love.

Someday I'll find that person. Or he or she will find me. I don't ask questions anymore, and I'm sorry that you still do.

Don't be upset that I've given up trying.

-Tony
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