nice guys
by amnesiac
(Deep Thoughts, 1694 views) - 6/7/03
(recorded 6/7/03 @ 10:44:17 PM)
I have this amazing ability to reason my way out of any relationship that has the potential to be anything more. Maybe it’s for fear of getting hurt, like a self-preservation mechanism of some type. Maybe it’s simply a fear of commitment. Or maybe, just maybe, I end relationships early because I really don’t think they’re realistic.
Let’s take for instance a nice guy from a small town; we’ll call him Josh. Josh works full time while attending college. He has been clean and sober for a few months and is getting his life straight. Josh is motivated, polite, and a little on the shy side. After meeting Josh, I am invited to his New Year’s Eve party in his modest home in his small town. I attend, accompanied by a mutual friend. The evening is less than thrilling, ending with me falling asleep during a movie and leaving with a good night kiss. I push the memory of the evening aside and think nothing of it. That is, until my phone starts ringing. Calls come once a day, three times a day, and I stop answering. I don’t know what else to do. After a few days of this, the mutual friend gives Josh his cell phone to call me…I answer. Once I get over the initial shock, I come clean…well kind of. I tell him I don’t think it is going to work out. I’m not sure what the “it” was that I was referring to, seeing as we didn’t have a relationship to speak of, but he accepted the answer and thanked me (sarcastically?) for telling him so soon. The way I saw it, Josh was small town, something that definitely could not be compatible with my desires for big city life.
It all made sense to me at the time, but looking back I wonder what it was that I was scared of…what it was that made me turn down a guy before there was any real reason to do so. This wasn’t the first time I had done this to a guy…and it probably won’t be the last. I once had a real relationship and it was fun for a while, but as was inevitable, it ended and I got hurt. Is it possible that the relationships I have stopped before they started were stopped to avoid ever being hurt? Have I missed out on a relationship that could have meant something? I don't think I want to know the answer to that.
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It's amazing how those fears of commitment, however subconsciously, play into a girl's willingness to let a relationship continue. Even when everything else is absolutely perfect, if the mood is off, and circumstances deem it necessary, she (and some guys) can just totally bring things to a halt...
While I try to be one who's protective of my heart (lately with ill-results), I think you *do* have to let yourself go, and if you know you're happy with someone, why waste time dreaming up reasons for it not to work out, or worrying about what else out there is better, or even protecting yourself from getting hurt in the future?
If that's your fear, I believe that time spent building the friendship is the best route to go, although I know that's easier said than done... At this age, you can't make those commitments and those decisions without far too much fear to let them sit well. This is the very core of most relationship issues at this, the age of teenage (and young adult) angst.

   [disillusioned (J :: M) 6/9/03 6:31 PM]

CONGRATS, you're human

   [Sliced Ice (J) 6/10/03 12:20 AM]

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