Lucid, departed
by disillusioned
(Deep Thoughts, 1933 views) - 11/23/03
(recorded 11/23/03 @ 4:04:19 AM)
I'm not sure how to start this. So, for some reason, it became clear that this disclaimer was the only way to do just that.

My mind is reeling. I'm entrapped. I have feelings, unfaded, emotions half-jaded, and so much more and the only "person" I can express them to, the only one I can be absolutely true to is myself. I can't stand that sometime. I *want* someone to be there to listen to me, to grasp these glimpses of insanity, like flickering fireflies, so that they could show me them in the palm of their hand, and explain to me why they flicker so. (Note, this isn't the first time I've used a firefly analogy. Of this, I am aware.)

Why is it that I can only trust myself? Why is it that I feel that if I were to be honest, truly honest, I would only scare people? Here's the question to *really* ponder: Would it frighten them because this way I think, these feelings I harbor are so uncharacteristically against the "norm"? Or would it frighten them- frighten *you*- because it'd shine a light into those dark parts of your mind; the corners you keep safe and tucked away from the world, from yourself, for fear of what the world will think? Read that again, please. Consider that.

We all feel things. We're never completely honest with how we feel about absolutely everything. And for the most part, that's a good thing. But then there come things we... ...*I* *want* to be absolutely honest about, and yet... I'm forced to tell them to no one but my private entries, my metaphorical sad little spiral-bound notebooks.

I have a deep, innate desire to express myself in a manner more conducive towards yielding results than a simple wink and a smile, or a silly flirtation. And yet, I'd stand here alone, quiet, still, waiting as it passes me by. I'd sit idly by because of this fear. I'd lose.

Or would I? These are the things we regret- *truly* regret at the end of it all; Those things you were too nervous to say, too scared to suggest, too fearful to put into words, because of the possible reaction, rejection?

It's to where I know I have something to say, and I just don't know when or where to say it. And oftentimes, to whom. Ask me, will you? You'll be able to tell in my reaction what I'm trying to say. But you have to ask. You *have* to. As if you didn't already know...
Previous musing: Abandon ship now...
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Wow, Chris. You know, I can relate to that; I think almost everyone can. I honestly think that everyone feels that way to some degree, or else he isn't being totally honest with himself.

The only part I was confused about was the last paragraph. You want someone to ask what you want to say? And they'll tell in your reacion to the... asking what they want to say? I didn't quite get that part, but good work. Very human musing.

   [TCcookie (J) 11/25/03 11:05 AM]

Like I said, I have a desire to express how I feel, or what I'm thinking, and not just to keep it inside, but I don't know how I can do that unless I'm asked specifcally...

I'm glad you've liked my pieces.

   [disillusioned (J :: M) 11/25/03 11:56 AM]

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