With nervous smiles lingering, we attacked the day...
by disillusioned
(Deep Thoughts, 1309 views) - 7/30/04
(recorded 7/30/04 @ 1:52:45 AM)
The air was cold as I walked into the room. It had bite. It had character. It wasn't just cold... It was "someone's-left-the-freezer-door-open" or "who-the-hell-turned-the-hotel-ac-to-HIGH-COOL" cold. Probably that one, considering my surroundings.

I fell on top of the bed, in front of the TV, and just stared for a few seconds. I thought it'd be fun to play a little game, like guessing what channel would be on, but then I remembered this was a hotel... it was probably set to start on their information channel. With my idea for private amusement struck down like a picnic gnat, I just stared at the blank screen, and fell spellbound.

So many scenarios manifested in front of the grey. I watched myself graduate college, I witnessed my first time SCUBA diving, I saw myself cook a gourmet meal, I caught a glimpse as I made passionate love to a woman who amazed me, who wowed me- and who I wowed right back. I sat there on the bed, with the stale comforter and the ugly lamps and I saw myself help design my house, so that it was big and spacious and somewhere surrounded... enveloped in green, in beauty. I watched as I helped my wife get the kids ready for school- the twins' first day, and they were both *so* nervous, the way I remember I was, and we told them it'd be alright, and we smiled, and they smiled back, and they got on the school bus, and I kissed her, and we went inside to plan the rest of our day. (I was having an omlet with cheese, she was having waffles, with a certain kind of syrup.)

So many times, we write ourselves off. We write others off. We consider the philosophy that "what-we-see-is-what-we-get" to be the end all, be all of a person. If who I am now is who I'd be for the rest of my life, would I be happy? No.

I'm secretly someone who strives. I'm secretly someone with ambitions. I've let a condition of laziness overwhelm me to some overzealous degree, but did I ever tell you how I dreamed to be somebody? Or how I still do? How I want to be someone who creates, someone who leads, and someone who stands out of the pack? I want to be someone unconventional, someone who's known and liked and loved. I want to be charming and I want to be someone who blows people's minds. I want to run my own business, and I want to learn and experience new things all the time, and I want to build myself- mold myself into someone worth knowing. No... I want to mold myself into someone people strive to know.

It'll be a lot of work. I'm at an inroads, where I'm more comfortable being lazy than I should be. That's not who I want to be. And so that's going to have to change, and now.

I know I have it in me, though. I saw it on TV.

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