I wish it were just that easy...
by disillusioned
(Matters of the Heart, 2252 views) - 6/10/03
(recorded 6/10/03 @ 3:00:24 AM)
I need to work my way out of this. I'm letting events and emotions, as well as other extenutating circumstances drive my life... I'm falling a victim to those emotions, to that sense of utter helplessness that you get when you see something so perfect, and everything else around you come crashing down like quite nothing else can.

And then there's the fear. The fear that I won't find this happiness again. The fear that I didn't deserve it in the first place. The fear that what could be never will, and for no truly "good" reason, as if there were any...

There aren't.

So superficial is all of this. I know that deep down. But it doesn't stop any of it from hurting. That (what I feel is sometimes quite false) assurance that "everything will work out" just seems to lose its credibility over time.

"'Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
what is real, just a dream"...

I wish this was all just a dream. Something easy to awaken from, something easy to end the pain from. I long to wake up... and see that beautiful someone (whomever she should be) laying asleep, across from me, lit gently by the moonlight shining through the blinds... With my arm around her, and my fingers toying with the curls of her hair, knowing that in that place, in that moment, everything is perfect. And then I come to thinking that I don't deserve that.

It seems as if anything I do that's exciting or fun or brings a smile to my face is really only temporarily distracting me. That the greater good of my life is controlled by the chance to make someone, someone just that special, truly happy... And that when I can't do that... when I can't bring that joy to the person I want to bring it to, my purpose here fades. I can't continue to live vicariously through the desire... or need to bring happiness to another person.

Understand that this isn't a feeling granted to anyone kind enough to give me the time of day. And I think that part of it has to do with the selectiveness with which I choose my obsessions. It makes it so much harder to give up that possibility of a future...

"And you don't want to be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past"

Nothing raises your feeling of self-worth and self-esteem like finding out that someone who loved you, and possessed a great desire to be with you, no longer has those feelings. "It's not you, it's me". Yeah, right. Why can't it be me who's still making you happy? What's changed, really? Your perception of things?

Most girls, it seems, would rather have the option of getting their heart broken by the myriad of guys out there who won't do anything but hurt them than accept the fact that the person they love now could very well be the person that's right for them, and will treat them as such.

"But I'm slipping in between
you and your big dreams"

And for some reason, call it trying to find a sense of self-worth, or at least feeling as if I've impacted your life, I hope that when those big dreams of yours (or even the small aspirations you have) come true, you'll still remember me. And you'll think back to those times when I held you, and you were truly happy. To those times when you truly loved how I made you feel. And that maybe, just maybe, you'll question if you might not have been happier than you are if only you'd have kept in mind how you felt about me all those times, and maintained them in the back of your mind for what they were, so that some day, some way, they could be acted upon in their right time. All those poems I wrote for you, and those words I used to describe you, and the joy I tried to instill within you, by being myself... don't forget those, will you please?

"We were only freshman..."

As if my age makes these problems any less significant. Superficiality, I know. I think that we develop emotionally too quickly for the level to which we're allowed to act upon those emotions, at least with any chance of permanence or meaningfulness.
This is unfair. This is the root of most emotion-related angst.
If only I didn't have these feelings until I could make them matter...

"'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me"

Never say never. Please don't demoralize and degrade whatever we've had by saying that none of it will ever matter, and that of this, you're absolutely positive. If nothing, it comes off sounding as if you'd like nothing to do with me ever; that I wasn't good enough; and that you're better off because of this. I stand back and laugh at my own naivety; thinking that this could ever work out. Thinking that obstacles that seem completely impossible to overcome could fall in their own time, and that we'd end up on opposite ends of that bed, looking at each other as the night befell us. Thinking that you had ever even wanted that in the first place. Or that if you had, some small part of you still could. I won't say never. But that means nothing if you still will.

"You're the beauty that is deeper than eyes can merely see
The closest thing to perfect
But the farthest thing from me"

And you seem to be so easily able to move past me. To erase the part of you that had fallen for me, and longed for me. Leaving me still loving you, the closest thing to perfect, but the farthest thing from me. And so can you start to understand why its so difficult for me to give this up? This dream that I've held on to, at times (in your mind, and in mine) too tightly, that I haven't been willing to part with?

"And like I really deserve a chance to sit across a table
And tell you that I think you're wonderful
And I think you're something special"

As if it would matter how much I told you that I think you're wonderful. Because I've fallen into the ranks of "just another guy with an obsessive crush on you". "That's sweet", you say. But I know that you wish I wouldn't compliment you that way. That it makes you uncomfortable, because you don't feel that way towards me anymore. And even worse, because you know, as well as I do, that you once *did* feel that way towards me.

"I am everything you wanted
I am everything you need"

Part of you knows this, in your heart. Knows that you'd be happy with me- because you remember how happy I made you in the past.
And think that I require this commitment. That I'm holding you to this. That was never true. I never wanted you to feel forced into something with me. I wanted you to feel happy to be with me, and happy in general. Those aren't mutually exclusive goals. I wanted things to continue at their own pace, and to fall into place naturally. Because I knew that something could happen out of that. And because I know how you felt around me. But don't mistake those concepts of mine to be a demand or requirement for commitment.

And thank you for making this so difficult on me. Not only did you place me on your "list"- you took advantage of the knowledge that I'd stick around no matter what, and went through the others on the list before settling back at me. How pathetic was I to stick around for all that, each night hoping against hope that you'd get rejected, and end up wanting to talk to me. Or that you'd come to the realization that I was the one for you. Yes, thank you for that- it always had its way of making me feel special.

I like how easy I am to fall out of love with. It seems that I'm good for a year at the very most, but then, interests fade, circumstances change, Lord knows what else occurs, but I stop being someone worth that level of interest and desire. Or you do this to protect yourself, because you're better off "with things this way". Is that sense of being better off something that'll transcend down the road, three, four, five years from now, when you think back on me?

I always thought I was lucky to have it for what short time I did.

"Think back on me"... I hate that phrase. I hate the fact that I'm not someone you're thinking about presently. But that's acceptable, and I understand that. What I don't want, is for all of this to become past tense. I don't want to be thought of as a "fun trip while it lasted", but instead, even though the chances are slim (I know this), the basis of what could potentially still be something great. It's a lot to ask. Especially if protecting yourself is taken to the extreme where you desire to think of me not at all as someone that special, or that "worth your interest".

Will you think of me as someone who still has that potential? Who could still make you happy, somewhere down the road?
Previous musing: The Trigger
Back to disillusioned's Notebook :: Back to the Musings
chris, what are we going to do with you? we do not have the ability to absorb such lengthy musings. what we got of it was good...and we're sorry you feel like this. tell us if there's any way we can help.
with love, the attention spans of an add friend and company

   [amnesiac (J) 6/10/03 8:45 PM]

This was sort of the collective spilling of everything I've felt, including some buried feelings from relationships past. Sorry it was so long, but at least it was somewhat artfully written, right?
Thanks for your help and compassion- it is always appreciated.

   [disillusioned (J :: M) 6/10/03 9:39 PM]

Hey Chris, I really enjoyed this musing. It is too long, I confess, but you make some truly profound observations that made it worth it, to me.

It's great that you write stuff like this, and I hope you continue; I'll certainly keep reading it. It was "artfully written." Too long, but you'll get a handle on that as you keep going, and the style is great. Good job.

   [TCcookie (J) 6/15/03 11:43 PM]

The reason that this was so long was because there were so many different facets of relationship-esque issues for me to cover, mostly from *some* form or another of personal experience, sadly.

Glad you enjoyed it- I try not to write anything less than "artfully" for my musings. Journal entries however, I can't promise anything. ;-)

   [disillusioned (J :: M) 6/20/03 2:54 AM]

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