Still Not A Player
(Matters of the Heart, 1866 views) - 3/8/04
(recorded 3/8/04 @ 9:58:04 PM)
12:20 am -
I decided I would name this journal whatever song came up in winamp. Then I planned on writing a journal befitting said topic. This one can be related to my still absense of a female character in my life. A girl friend would be nice, someone to date would be better and a girlfriend would be simply great. However, so far, we are 0 for 0. Sad day indeed my dear. I always thought Gilbert had so little to do, you all don't know shit as neither did I. When people say they came from "small towns" with nothing to do, they were fucking dead serious. I am in my room like 50% of my life now. On the computer, sleeping, watching, or the rare, reading. Rest of the time is school, work, or errands. There is absolutely, without a doubt, undeniable proof that all work and no play make Jack (Phil) a dull boy. I've realized that without intention and quite averse to my natural persona, I've become COMPLETELY boring. People call and ask what's up, I respond "nothing" and that's it. I got nothin. I haven't been somewhere without friends in well over 7 years and I was little then. Now, it's crazy. I'm so freakin lonely and bored that it's driving me very insane. I collect my Smirnoff caps and watch tv. Hell, I've been renting PS2 games. I've *never* rented games from Blockbuster when paying for them. I'm desperate for time-pacing, hopefully enjoyable activities. No waterparks, no hookah bars, NO ARCADES, no clubs, NO FUCKING CARL'S JR!
"I swear to God, I just kick this stupid piece of shit"... yeah, good idea Samir. If this town was made a physical embodyment, I'd kick it. "You and me both G". Thanks Michael, I appreciate it. You see this? I'm having online conversations with fictitious characters from a movie in a journal.
"Somebody save me please. I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please. Kill me, I want to die".
I'm trying to use my time to learn and work and relax. How can I relax when I'm convinced my life is flying me bye yet I can still be bored hours upon hours per day. It's a paradox which plagues my already problem-ridden cortex. If only... I want to walk, there's no where to walk (and not in that old "no where to walk" kinda way). My favorite places, my places when I needed to think or was upset are gone. I'm left to fester. Anytime I needed to ponder the thoughts of life, I'd grab my spot on the track with a blanket and just cogitate. Looking up at the stars, alone in the quiet, was so serene, so peaceful. It always did the trick of clearing my head. When I was upset, the swings at Burk elementary along with the roof on top the gym had my name on it. When Jessica died, when I was dumped, when my mom got sick, when life couldn't get any worse, that place was there, waiting, longing to comfort me. That thought alone could sometimes solve a meloncholy situation.
Now what do I have? None of that. None of the friends, none of the places, none of the weed, none of the alcohol, none of the hookah, no ddr, no water, no nothing. Why can't I have this school setup back home. I don't fit anywhere. Nothing's perfect, sure, but can't it at least be nice or even happy perhaps? Things are pleasant and bearable here. That's the problem. There's no drama, there's no happiness, there's no action or excitement, nor heart-wrenching sob fests.
It was hard enough letting go of certain people and things but somehow losing everything is proving to be just that. I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore and that was something I always pitied others for having. I always knew who I was. Not only that, but I liked who I was. I'm not so sure anymore. My world has not only been turned upside down but shaken around and then scoured for anything I could relate to and have those too uprooted and stolen away. My roots are exposed and they're desperately trying to latch onto something, someone, anything. However, they still lay unground, unloved, not growing... dying. No my friends, there will be no blossoms this season. No spectacularly brilliant colors in mesmorizing displays of compassion and beauty. All that remains is the limp leftover casing, reminding of what glorious treasures it once contained. That's what happens to a plant when it's not watered or exposed to sunlight or love. Without all the above, it shall die. The plant may not physically drop and vanish but you'll see the life dissapear from its veins. It becomes a poorly discoloured excuse. One may be cared for but without those vital elements, it's fruitless.
All I really want, ultimately, is just someone to hold. To touch. Physical contact. Appreciation. Male, female, friend, girlfriend, it doesn't matter. Simply someone to be with, to talk with, to laugh with. I've never run errands by myself, at least not constantly. There was always mom or Evan or Beth... not now. Mom's busy as is beth and Evan, is long far away. I have to miss not only the things we can't do anymore but the things we could be doing.
I am only a shell. No more feelings or joy or heartache, solely existance. Days pass and life remains unchanged. This I think is a large attribution to why I always delayed doing things. It showed me how I affected and influenced the world around me. If I didn't show up somewhere, people would be affected. If we delayed and goofed around, things wouldn't be done. Currently, I can sit around and watch the clock spin around into eternity and the world wouldn't be the wiser or worse off.
I am insignificant. I am no one. I am... nothing. I won't give up because that's out of the question, that's not me, but it does make me wonder. I wish I could wash my hands with it all. Absolve myself from this nothingness, this emptyness. Where do I go from here? I don't know.
Current Mood: hopeless
Current Music: What does it matter
Previous musing: Canis, Can-I-Say Happy Birthday!?
Next musing: I wonder..
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