all there is.
by amnesiac
(Person, 1371 views) - 9/13/04
(recorded 9/13/04 @ 7:50:28 PM)
When the bottom line reads in dollar signs, you have to wonder what exactly that says about you. And how do you get to that point? I have met people who were self-centered before. I have had classes with kids that were only there for the grade. While I knew that people like you existed, never in my wildest dreams did I think you were one of them. To be fair, you seem to have a genuine interest in understanding where I'm coming from. You asked me to state my case and I tried, however illogically; I told you what I felt.
You looked me straight in the eye and said, “I know.” How can you know and still be immune to the world around you? You call me one of those people that wants to change the world, and while I can’t exactly argue, do you not feel any obligation to the world around you? There are millions of people in this country and you base your life's decisions on what one person gets out of the deal? The "net gain"? I have a hard time believing that someone with such simple motives can be as sincere and intelligent as I think you are.

So I backtrack, still trying to understand because I desperately want to make sense of the greed you admit to so candidly. maybe I’m too involved. I blame it on the genes:
I am the granddaughter of a woman whose death can be attributed to her lack of concern for her own well-being. Everyone else came first. I am the niece of a woman whose mental health can be predicted by her daughter’s own mental state, or her perceived mental state, at any given time. My own mother has learned, from losing a mother herself, that she must watch her own health because she knows losing her would hurt us the most.
These women are a part of me. They are why I cry when someone else cries. Our capacity for empathy is dangerously high, often affecting our own dispositions. I probably am too concerned over things I have no control over, but I’ll settle for being idealistic, at least until the annoyingly rational side of my brain kicks in.
I don't doubt that my crazy emotions play close to an extreme, but people are what keep me going. I want to hear the world's story, teach and, in turn, learn from others. There's a million words for people like me, not all of them good. and that's ok.

People like you exist on television, in the newspapers, and politics of course. They are CEOs, the top 1%, if you will. and here you are, what you say is not at all what I expected.
You tell me how you seek out people who are motivated, who are determined. You surround yourself with players, not spectators. I thought this was a team sport of some type. I guess I was wrong. The one who dies with the most wins. You were sincere in this conversation with me. Do you really believe it? More importantly, if you do believe it, is it enough?
Previous musing: may he go peacefully
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