don't get any ideas.
by amnesiac
(Everything Else, 1531 views) - 1/20/05
(recorded 1/20/05 @ 5:47:29 PM)
If the sketchy singles pages tucked discreetly behind the classifieds and endless car ads could take the form of a human being, they might have a chance of competing against my mother, goddess of matchmaking.

Once upon a time she set up an old high school friend with a guy from my dad’s work. For better or worse, they have been married for as long as I can remember. This hasn’t been the only wedding facilitated by mom, and if she has it her way, it won’t be the last. Don’t get your hopes up though, my mother’s skills don’t always result in the wedding march and a toss of a bouquet… there was her one daredevil of a girlfriend that had it out with her match, a fit, blonde firefighter that never could get it together. That story hasn’t quite come to an end. While the woman in question has taken a more domestic route since her college-age days, I’m not sure the party life is entirely behind her.

Her current projects include the single dad next door and an old co-worker (now waitress), as well as her high school friend hairdresser and a friend of a friend. In each set up, both guy and girl are aware of the arrangement and the guy is to go to the girl's work for food or a haircut. Details to follow, I'm sure.

There are consequences for the hobby of matchmaking, such as the seemingly endless embarrassment for the children of the so-called matchmaker. My mom never did succeed in setting up my anal-retentive first grade teacher, thank God, but I have yet to have a nice meal with my mother without a whispered comment about the cute waiter/host/guy in the seat behind me (but don’t look!). Couple her with an aunt or one of my gay friends and you’ll probably find me red-faced hiding behind the menu I stole back from the hostess stand. The way I see it, I have a few options of dealing with her matchmaking instincts as I reach whatever age she deems appropriate for marriage:

First, I can tell her nothing about whatever romantic relations I may have at any given time. While it is my preferred method, it does backfire with her automatic assumption that there is no guy in question, making my dating life fair game. I swear, she’s threatened to hand my phone number and picture to the next hot waiter she runs into. MTV would have a field day putting her on that date my mom show.

Second, the opposite of the first would be telling her whatever’s going on. I’m going to go with no on that one.

Third, I can stay as busy/far away as possible, leaving her to set up the rest of the single people knows or knows of. By association, that could include some of my friends… “I don’t know why your friend thinks she can’t get a date, I met the perfect guy for her at the grocery store today, about six feet tall, sandy blonde hair, and the most gorgeous eyes, I’ll be sure to ask Anthony about him next week…”

I apologize in advance.
Previous musing: not dead yet.
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