The Hard Sell
(Satire, 2571 views) - 5/21/07
(recorded 5/21/07 @ 2:26:12 AM)
"You know how it works, right?"
"How what works?"
"The wrinkle-guard feature."
"No, but I don't imagine there's a Jetsonesque robot that spins around with the clothes chanting anti-wrinkle sentiments."
"No, not exactly. Cute, but no."
"Well, how then?"
"First, I want you to understand just how far we, as a society, have come. You have to understand what it means that we now have devices that not only *dry* our clothes, but help to ensure that, ceteris paribus, said clothes come out with markedly fewer wrinkles. I want you to pause for a second and reflect on that."
"I really ha--"
"I said pause and reflect, dammit!"
"-te the hard sell. Plus, I don't think the clothes come out less wrinkled, per se. In fact, it says right here that it just keeps them from becoming more wrinkled if you don't pull them soon enough."
After a brief shushing, they pause, and reflect.
"It may be true that something as seemingly obvious and inconsequential as Wrinkle Guard III was just a response to an invented, consumer-driven problem, (that is, what features can we offer in *our* dryer to outdry the next brand's) but the implications on an entire generation's purchasing decisions reaches deep into our psyche, down to our consumeristic core, giving reasons more to quickly purchase."
"That barely made sense, and you know it. Plus, it was probably a run-on. And I think you may have split an infinitive."
"Nevertheless, you get my point, right? This dryer fucking drys AND looks out for our wrinkle-rooted concerns. Don't you understand how powerful that is?"
"In a deus ex machina way, kind of?"
"It's more than that. It's a manifestation of the collective thinking of thousands; brilliant minds who recognized the value of adding features, product designers who sought to brainstorm what features might appeal, engineers who sought to develop them without setting the whole mess aflame, marketers who smiled at how easy their copy would be to write (since it truly sells itself) and salespeople like myself who were granted, as if God himself worked his own mysterious ways right and proper to grant me the privilege (and that is what it is, good sir) to sell... nay, transform your life with this, the pinnacle of invention, the apogee of laundrycare, the end all and be all in whiter whites and brighter colors."
"I'll take two, then."
"No. Give me the cheap one. I can pull my clothes out when it buzzes, just fine."
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