Maybe Just One
by Chillax
(Deep Thoughts, 1451 views) - 7/12/03
(recorded 7/12/03 @ 3:51:02 AM)
I know that I promised endless waves of rants but the recent musing posted by Dis was cause for me to muse. Kudos for actually inspiring a deep thought out of me period, but even greater that feat that it occured at (*squints at clock*) 5:30 in the morning. SHEESH!

Here goes nothing. Nothing is what I dream. I don't remember exactly when I stopped dreaming, I just rembmer that I used to dream. I used to have long wonderful dreams. I had horrible nightmares. Now I have nothing. I sleep, I wake. Nothing remembered of the hours spent in between. The limbo, if you will. Why have I stopped dreaming? Is this an indication of a decline in my creativity? Is my mind slowly rotting away and dying of boredom. I hope not, because I would still like to get a few years of living out of it. All I have left these days are memories of dreams that I still cling to. Holding onto them like one holds onto their memories of their first love. Forever. Some of these dreams will be etched in my brain until the day that I die. So powerful were they, such an effect that my subconscious had on the conscious. Where did my dreams go. I want them back. I need them, they kept me stimulated through sleep. They taught me things about myself that can only be learned when you are able to be a spectator for the sport that is your life.

I remember dreams so long that when I awoke I was not sure what day, or even week, it was. I remember dreams so powerful that even after I was awake I was still sobbing because I had witnessed what it would do to me if my dad died. I yearn to be taken to the edge of life again. To be pushed to my emotional limits by my own mind.

I realized that at some point, maybe when the dreams started to fade away, I began acting differently. I was trying to do to others what my dreams used to do to me. Push people to their limits. Make them live on the edge. Stir up emotions that they tried to keep contained, see how they reacted to different stimulants. Whether or not this is a good or evil thing to do to someone while they are fully awake and aware is questionable to some. To me it makes perfect sense. I am helping people realize their emotions, confront them head on, deal with them and grow strong from it. I never actually have put anyone in the way of physical harm, the most they get is embarrassed, upset, or angry (usually with me) Mine are more of emotional barriers that I break down. Once those walls fall, and the emotions are set free, there is a revolution. Some get it, I can tell by their reaction. They are freed and I feel like I have helped them in some small way. For others, they suppress the uprising that is living. They rebuild those walls and keep their life bottled up inside them.

Are you really living if you don't feel? If you aren't living, then what is it exactly that you are doing here? Maybe I am completely wrong here, and what I do to these people, these friends of mine, is vile and contemptible. I mean what kind of person would really keep pushing and pushing when you were visibly upset? Is this just a pathetic attempt for me to try to regain feelings of my own? By stealing them from others? Maybe I am the one that is not really living. So off I go now to sleep where I dream of dreaming again.
Previous musing: Vlad the Russian
Back to Chillax's Notebook :: Back to the Musings
You're sort of trying to unplug them from the Matrix, aren't you? Or awaken them to the richness of experiences they've been keeping themselves from. A noble cause, so long as you don't permanently freak them out...

   [disillusioned (J :: M) 7/12/03 12:40 PM]

Gallant effort, I say. I believe in some ways I do the same, but I still have my dreams. I hope your dreams return. They are your only window to the outside of you.

   [je_ne_sais_quoi (J) 7/13/03 11:51 PM]

Interesting muse. I have stopped dreaming as well, though I can't say that I've begun training in some art of human puppet-mastery. (I just wanted to say "puppet-mastery.")

Good muse. If you are subconsciously wanting readers to pass judgment on your manipulative actions, heres mine: it totally depends on context and the constitution of the emotional puppet (heh heh). And, if I get what you're saying right, I'd say that when you do it "positively" it is definitely a good thing.

There is a great book that would probably interest you that you must read called Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner. It is my book recommendation theme of the year, and I will probably end up writing a musing about it, so stay tuned. It is all about emotion and the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. It is not very thick or dense but very, very deep. The implications of some of the stuff in there are astounding.

What I recommend unto one I recommend unto all. It should be required life reading. Chris will tell you so... (*gasp* I mean... Disillusioned! Disillusioned, I tell you! Uh, dis... yeah. "Dis" is what I meant).

   [TCcookie (J) 7/19/03 6:23 PM]

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